Doctor Still Undecided On What Shade Of Puke Green To Paint Waiting Room


LOCAL GP Dr. Malcolm McArlan is currently putting the finishing touches to his Waterford practice, with an interior designer coming in later today to help him pick out the right shade of deathly-pale, insipid green to paint the waiting room with.

“People who come here generally aren’t feeling very well, and we’d like to give them something to look at which matches their ‘help-me-I’m-going-to-puke’ state of mind at the time,” said Dr. McArlan, flicking through paint swatches ranging from a horrible grey to a horrible blue.

“Plus the waiting time here is generally at least an hour, so what we really want is a colour that starts off as hard on the eyes, but over time actively makes you feel nauseous”.

In consultation with interior designer Fiona Shanley, Dr. McArdle is hoping to furnish his waiting room with some incredibly uncomfortable, needlessly slippery chairs, as well as a number of year-old magazines and dangerously filthy children’s toys.

“Dr. McArlan is a medical doctor, and the decor of his waiting room isn’t top priority for him… which is why he hired me,” said Shanley, getting a sense of the space in the waiting room so she can know how to fill it with an air of impending dread.

“As an interior designer, I can help make this waiting room the most uncomfortable, ominous room that anyone will ever sit in, and make sure that nobody feels like they’re healthy, or that they might be healthy anytime soon. And of course, I’ll be making sure that the air fresheners in the room make it smell like someone has died very recently”.

As a finishing touch, the waiting room will be decorated in pamphlets for diseases you never knew you could get, but that you probably have right now.