Boots Announces Return To Just Selling Boots & Nothing Else


PHARMACEUTICAL and beauty shop Boots has announced its intention to return to its pre-2005 original incarnation which saw it sell only footwear of the boot variety, not trading in a variety of beauty and sanitary products it sells today.

“We only started selling non-boots stuff ‘cus customers would ask us if knew anywhere that sold chapstick, lip balm, paracetamol, hairspray and so on, but now we’ve come full circle,” explained Boots head of purchasing Rebecca Canton.

Boots shift to beauty and hygiene products increased slowly over the years before engulfing every inch of their branches, leaving no room for what used to be their only product; actual boots.

“Sometimes you have to go back to your roots, and ‘our roots at Boots are boots’, or so say the marketing firm we paid an obscene amount money to come up with a shite slogan,” added Canton, already sensing a grave error had been committed.

Boots roots in boot selling can be traced back to the early 1900s when J.W Kneelength, Boots founder, invented the thigh high, and the rest as they say is history.

“It would be a massive shame if the history of Boots was lost just because customers now only come us as the one stop shop for cotton buds, baby oil, scrunchies, lubricant, condoms, dental floss, spray tan, electric razors and the morning after pill,” remarked Canton, seemingly listing off the makings a good, if odd, night.