Ireland Left With Only 657,456 Things To Apologise For


AS President Michael D. Higgins offered words of condolence and apology to an assembled group of Magdalene Laundry survivors in an emotional ceremony in Áras an Uachtarián yesterday, the country went to the book marked ‘Big List Of Things We Have To Apologise For’ to see what was next on the list.

Higgins reiterated an apology given previously from then Taoiseach Enda Kenny in 2014 to the 220 assembled risen women at the event yesterday, adding his own words of condemnation for the years of institutional brutality inflicted on single mothers and other such ‘fallen’ women who were sent to ‘Mother & Baby’ homes across Ireland.

With no excuses offered for their treatment and nothing but sorrow and shame for the process of separating young mothers from their babies and forcing them into slave labour for years, Ireland has now only 657,486 things left to apologise for, with speculation mounting as to what the next thing might be.

“OK, should it be turning a blind eye to paedophile priests, or forcing the nation to pay the private debts of reckless bankers?” mused the government’s leading apology analyst, pouring through the huge tome of bad shit Ireland has done.

“Lenient sentencing for wife murderers? GAA bosses giving ‘good character’ testaments for rapists? The 8th amendment that forced women abroad for medical care for years? Or maybe something simple, like selling off our natural resources to the lowest bidder, or allowing blatantly corrupt businessmen pretty much run the country. There’s quite the list to get through, but if we keep pace with how quickly we apologised for Magdalene Laundries, we should have fully confessed our sins by 3,400AD”.

The apology process is set to begin this weekend, where President Higgins will formally apologise for Jedward, and that time we offered condolences to Germany upon Hitler’s death.