Cherry Blossom Trees Can Fuck Off, Agree Car Owners


CONTRARY to the opinions of passers-by who remark on the stunning spring beauty of a fully-grown cherry blossom tree in full bloom, car-owners across the country have come together in one voice to dismiss the trees as being ‘rubbish factories which need to be chopped down and burned immediately’.

Currently in their petal-shedding season, cherry blossoms are at their most beautiful but also their most disruptive, coating any parked car within 100 meters with what has been described as ‘slightly nicer birdshit’.

While pedestrians in their hundreds have paused to take snaps of the white-and-pink petals slowly cascading in the bright spring light, motorists in their thousands have taken to social media to bemoan ‘those fucking trees’, with some threatening to ram into the next one they see.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah they look pretty, but you try scraping two inches of wet dead petals off your windscreen every morning” said one frustrated Jetta owner, looking for his car under a blanket of blossoms.

“If you love them so much, plant one outside your house and tell me about in when it’s in bloom next year. And it’s not just the car, either. If I get one more wet petal down the back of my neck as I walk into the house, I’m burning this fucking tree to the ground”.

If you have been this affected by the pretty flowers this spring, please seek help immediately.