My Life In The Attic: Gertrude Kardashian Speaks Out


AS the Kardashian corporation welcomes a new member into the fold today with the birth of Khloe’s first baby, the lesser-known older sister of the family has finally spoken out about her thoughts on the dynasty from her custom-build attic room in Kris Jenner’s LA home.

Born in 1977, Gertrude Kardashian was the first child of Kris Jenner and her late husband Robert Kardashian, before the arrival of her better-known siblings Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, and Kobert, followed by Kendall and Kylie after their mom re-married in the 90s.

Following the tsunami of media attention that flooded the Kardashian house as Keeping Up With The Kardashians began airing on E!, Gertrude shunned the limelight and refused to appear on the show, much like that older Osbourne kid who only showed up on Christmas episodes.

With her family growing tired of her kriticisms and her annoying non-K name, a deal was struck where Gertrude was allowed to stay in her family home as long as she stayed in the attic, never went outside, never used social media, and was okay with being written out of history by the rest of the family.

As the years went by, Gertrude grew used to the peace and tranquility of her sound-proofed attic hideout, peering down on the occupants of the house via a series of CCTV cameras that she built herself from a box of old VCR equipment and baby toys that had been discarded in the crawlspace over the years, while surviving on a diet of cistern water and attic insulation when the rest of the family went off on trips around the world.

But with the entire family out taking selfies with Khloe and her new baby today, Gertrude braved the downstairs world and spoke exclusively to WWN, after finding us wandering around the house looking for the safe. Dressed in a fetching outfit of green mineral roofing felt and old belts, the 41-year-old told us of her life in the attic, and how she wishes only the best for her sisters and their ‘momager’.

“Gertrude just want happy,” she told us, dressed in a fetching outfit of green mineral roofing felt and old belts.

We said ‘okay Gertrude, that’s nice, but can you tell us where your mom keeps her money and her jewellery, because everyone will be back soon and we’ve already got two strikes for this exact thing’.

“Gertrude back attic?” she asked, pulling at her trademark dark Kardashian hair.

‘You can go back to the attic, sure,’ we said, ‘but the cash, Gert. Where do they keep the cash?’

Our interview time was cut short when we heard a key turn in the front door. As we turned, we saw Gertrude clamber up the walls and across the attic in a contorted, spider-like fashion, and we removed ourself from the vicinity via the window we had entered through.