USS Donald Cook Turns Back After Forgetting Missiles


“I’d forget my head if it wasn’t screwed on,” voiced embarrassed commanding officer of the USS Donald Cook, Matt Caldwell, while rolling his eyes and slapping his forehead in disbelief, “what are the chances?”

Arriving in the Mediterranean Sea yesterday afternoon, the Arleigh Burke-class guided missile destroyer departed Larnaca, Cyprus, before making a U-turn after United States Navy personnel realised they had forgotten the most important component of the vessel – its payload.

“At least we realised it before the war started, otherwise we sure would look real stupid,” Cmdr. Caldwell explained.

“I was wondering how we got here so fast; the ship was half its fully armoured weight. I even poked fun at the other Navy vessels who we left in our wake, saying they were so slow coaches… I feel like a right silly billy now”.

The US warship, normally equipped with more than 60 Tomahawk missiles, made its way back to the United States to pick up the arsenal it left behind, where it will then sail back to its position where it will begin targeting Syrian air bases, its aircraft, ammunition supply bunkers, air defence systems and radars for no other reason but the sheer fuck of it.

“Ah, you’d miss a good war, and it’s a great time of year for it too, it’s been ages since I’ve ordered a decent strike, weeks in fact,” the commander went on, now writing ‘don’t forget the missiles again’ on the back of his hand in blue pen, “hopefully there’s not too many schools or hospitals left standing in Iraq… sorry, Lyb… tut, sorry, Syria or wherever it is we’re blitzing… because those sly Russians are only too eager to report them”.