Ireland To Test New Small-Talk Vaccination
IRELAND is to be the testing ground for a revolutionary new vaccine which medical experts are confident will eradicate small-talk from everyday life, easing millions of people from the everyday burden of chit-chat.
Although thought to have been wiped out elsewhere in the world by the advent of smart phones, small-talk has managed to stay alive in large numbers of Irish people, who find their daily commutes, nights out and taxi journeys blighted by inane chatter about subjects such as the weather, car insurance, and whether or not Dublin can do it again this year.
Considered the ideal testing sample for the new small-talk vaccine, Irish people will undergo an inoculation process which will see them exposed to a concentrated dose of pure shite craic, which will then make them less likely to engage in pointless air-filling, time-wasting drivel with a disinterested party ever again.
“Small-talk ruins the downtime of millions of Irish people” said a spokesperson for the World Health Organisation, keeping his conversation short, and to the point.
“Take two people who know each other from school, then they bump into each other in a bar 20 years later. Without the small-talk vaccine, those people will be forced to catch up and ask each other if they have kids and where are they working these days, pure waffle like. Neither has any interest, and they would both just love to get back to their real friends and have a real craic”.
“Well, with our new vaccine, it’ll be like they don’t even know each other. Receptors in the brain will not trigger a ‘Jesus I better talk to him, what if he goes home and says I’ve turned into a snobby fucker’ response. Instead, they just walk on by. No more awkward silences. No more ‘well, sure I’ll leave it with you at that’… just blissful silence”.
Public support for the trial has been overwhelming, although the waiting rooms for the tests have been described as ‘a small-talk hell on earth’.