Local Man Glad He’s Not A Local Woman


LOCAL man Kevin O’Cunratty took a moment yesterday to pause and look around at the world he lives in, before thanking whatever God it was that put him on this earth for nudging his dad’s Y-chromosome sperm into the lead at the point of his conception 27 years ago, sparing him from spending his life as a woman.

Mesmerised by the sheer horror of the thought, O’Cunratty took the rest of the afternoon off work, knowing that it would cost him a half-day’s wages and probably a wrist-slap from his boss, but perfectly okay with that due to his decent wages and good standing with the rest of his mostly-male co-workers.

Strolling through town, O’Cunratty counted the numerous blessing that his penis and testicles had awarded him, blessings that he enjoyed through sheer dumb luck, sheer microscopic detail at a cellular level in the womb that had saved him from a lifetime of unnecessary hardship.

With a fresh spring in his step that can only come from a lifetime of carefree masculinity, the increasingly smug and contented O’Cunratty began to really embrace the joy of his manliness, and spent about an hour or so engaging in consequence-free manly activities such as wearing clothes that he liked, taking a slash behind a tree, using violent sexual threats to settle arguments with strange women on the internet, and walking too close behind girls that he found attractive on the street.

“Nice arse”, he said to one girl who he considered to have a nice arse, before muttering ‘cunt’ under his breath when she ignored him and walked off.

Stung by what he perceived to be a blemish on his otherwise perfect day of gender lottery celebration, O’Cunratty played with the notion of following the girl, and seeing where the evening took them. A rivulet of fear ran through him as he considered the legal repercussions he would face if the girl considered his unwanted advances to be threatening, or if he failed to keep his anger in check during the encounter. This fear was short lived when he remembered the fact that he was a man, and that acting on his urges was something that entitled him to take whatever he wanted in life.

“Not a court in the land would convict me”, he thought, picking up pace after her down the street.

“Boys will be boys”.