“If It Was Us, He’d Be Dead”

RUSSIAN President Vladimir Putin has broken his silence today following a nerve agent attack on former Russian spy and double agent Sergei Skripal and his daughter, Yulia, pointing to the fact that Russia would not have messed up the assassination attempt.

“I find it insulting that the international community would even suggest that we would have failed to kill Mr. Skripal,” a disgruntled Mr. Putin told the assembled media in Moscow today, “we don’t miss, and everyone knows this.

“If anything, this is an attack on our reputation”.

Citing previous successful assassinations, Mr Putin called on the Britain’s Secret Intelligence Service to send him a sample of the agent used in the attack so he can prove the chemicals used could not come from the Kremlin.

“I’m more of a polonium-210 kind of guy,” Putin added, now referring to the successful assassination of former Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko in London in 2006, “this agent used against Skripal is inferior to anything we would use, and he would be so dead right now if it was one of our guys.

“Seriously, we’re fairly good at this, and it’s really bothering me that you people would believe this spy malpractice”.

Mr. Putin’s comments come just one day after the U.S. expelled 60 Russian diplomats over the nerve-agent poisoning in Britain, with over a dozen EU countries following suit.

“Maybe I show you people how it’s really done, to prove my point,” Putin concluded, before greenlighting today’s RT headlines.