Bumping, Running Or Launching Into Your Ex, We Find Out Which Method Is Best!
NO ONE enjoys the ferocious panic which visits every cell in your body when you unexpectedly bump into your ex. However, we here at WWN Science have always been intrigued by that question nobody asked; is it better to simply bump into your ex, or are you better served by running into them or better yet, launching full force into them. Could there be a definitively superior way to locking eyes with a former lover and wishing, in that moment, for a black hole to appear and suck you into it?
Our roving reporter Ian Fields went to find out:
Jessica, that’s my ex. We went out for 2 years but the sting of the break up never felt so hurtful as when I bumped into her unexpectedly last week. I had no time to prepare or react. One minute I was staring at avocados in Tesco, wondering which one would betray me by going off once I got home, then the next minute I literally bumped into Jessica. Actually now that I think of it avocados and Jessica have a lot in common, they went off on me the second I got home, which is to say Jessica had a temper and would always pick fights.
But the awkward stammering and excruciatingly sparse chit chat that resulted in our avocado section meeting made me think; is there a better way to do this, to bump into your ex? In order to replicate similar conditions to the original ‘bump’, I would have to accidentally encounter Jessica again at precisely 7.43pm of a Tuesday evening in my local Tesco, only this time I wouldn’t bump. No, I would run.
Would the conversation be less stilted? Would seeing her again hurt as much? There was only one way to find out.
Entering the Tesco the following Tuesday I presented myself at the veg section but no sign of Jessica. I darted around the aisles looking like a serious journalist conducting a scientific experiment, and nothing like an ex who couldn’t let go of the past. There she was! In the new gluten free section. She’s gone gluten free now? I remember when we were going out I said I was thinking of going gluten free, she called me a ‘try hard food hipster dickhead’.
Refocusing on the experiment once more I ran as fast as I could directly into Jessica, resulting in both of us tumbling to the ground with force. She let out a load cry of anguish. I knew how she felt, I missed her too.
Comparing bumping into her with running into her, there was no contest; running into your ex is very painful. The conversation was free flowing this time with Jessica repeatedly asking me ‘what the fuck do you think you’re doing?’ But could there be yet another way to do this? And what scientific spoils await us if we attempt it?
Roping my mate John into the final experiment, some conditions for this iteration of the test would have to change. It would be nigh impossible to launch myself into Jessica in Tesco, I would need the room and space only the outdoors can provide.
I allowed Jessica carry out her Tuesday shop uninterrupted, once she had left Tesco, John pressed down hard on the accelerator and in her direction. As we were almost parallel with the woman I once proposed to but she said no, I opened the passenger’s door and launched myself out of the car and into Jessica.
Four broken ribs later and for me, it’s easy to admit, the awkward reintroduction to an ex partner you didn’t think you’d see was never more painful than when I launched myself directly into her, at a speed of 50kph if John’s speedometer on his 97-D Polo is in any way accurate.
Conversation however, was nonexistent and both myself and Jessica were left unconscious by the impact. Further testing would prove impossible as a particular anti-science judge went on to grant Jessica a restraining order.
Inclusion, if you are looking for the least emotionally devastating way to encounter your ex again, I would recommend simply bumping into them.