“Fuck It, Here Goes Nothing” Confirms Government

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LINING up for a historic address to the public after a cabinet meeting on the Abortion Referendum lasted over 4 hours, the government confirmed its intention to hold a referendum on repealing the 8th Amendment of the constitution by stating “fuck it, here goes nothing”.

Looking exhausted by the evening’s events and fully aware of how long the next few months will feel, Taoiseach Leo Varadkar, flanked by ministers Simon Harris and Katherine Zappone, delivered a statement which acknowledged Ireland could no longer ‘export its problems and import its solutions’ before adding “fuck it, here goes nothing, we’re the last in a long line of can kickers but we’ve kicked this nightmare into a cul de sac. Referendum it is.”

Acknowledging that in announcing the referendum would take place in late May, the government has launched Irish society into the unknown, in which all manner of heated and stomach churning debates will become a feature of the coming months, each more distressing and fractious than the one that came before it.

“It’s about time the referendum took place, but we must also acknowledge what a completely horrendous shitshow this could descend into if extremist voices are given all the oxygen in debates,” confirmed the Taoiseach, who encouraged those of delicate sensibilities to retreat from Irish society until all this is over.

For many the confirmation that the minister for health Simon Harris would now be tasked with drafting up proposed legislation for allowing abortion in Ireland in the event of the referendum passing, it was a time for celebration. For others it was a time of concern.

“Well, that’s easily going to take 20 years of that poor fucker’s life just from the stress of it,” observed one person with knowledge of Ireland.

Those wishing to send death threats or letters written in blood to TDs, ministers or prominent figures soon to be involved in the endless referendum debates have been told to allow for at least 5 working days for delivery.

Elsewhere the government’s Communications Unit has excitedly confirmed that ‘you’ve no idea how good this will make the Taoiseach look on the international stage if you guys pass this thing. We’re talking seats on boards, a position in the UN maybe, a huge advance for a book deal’.

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