Russia Begins Grooming Bruno Mars For US Presidency
IDENTIFYING his awful music’s unique ability to divide opinion and stokes divisions in America and around the world, Russian secret service operatives have confirmed multiple Grammy winner Bruno Mars could be the ideal successor to current undercover agent, Donald Trump.
“We have not seen people love and hate something or someone so much since dear comrade Codename Pee Pee Man,” confirmed one KGB agent believed to report directly to US President Vladimir Putin.
With Mars’s recent flurry of Grammy wins bringing out irate US music fans in their hundreds of thousands, who became incandescent with rage at the musical injustices visited upon them, Russia believes the pint-sized pop prince should continue America on its path towards to deepening divisions and a second civil war.
“He no good at music. But people love him with the singing. Then others hate him singing. If we make him also have political words in the mouth, he could become very good friend for Russia,” confirmed the agent.
It is unclear how Russian plans to gain compromising information on the Hawaiian born artist but some speculate that he would be at the mercy of the foreign superpower if it was ever revealed that every last one of his songs are thinly veiled rip offs of well known songs by artists ranging from Stevie Wonder to James Brown and The Police.
Dismayed and angered by the Grammy judges decision to overlook innovative and boundary pushing artists in favour of the broad and bland Mars, current and future US election voters have unwittingly fallen into a trap laid by Vladmimr Putin.
“American voter, he love to care about things that are stupid and have no meaning. Mr Mars will release more music, then make tweet about hating immigrants or loving immigrants, it doesn’t make difference. Just important for him to keeping dividing people and make them hate each other, he is a precious gift to us all,” concluded the agent before offering this journalist some tea.
Elsewhere, North Korea have successfully approached Kylie Jenner to endorse their line of nuclear make up bombs with 30% off if you use the code KINGKYLIE30.