Missile Alert Lads Just Having The Craic


BALLISTIC missile early warning teams have admitted that recent ‘red alert’ warnings in Hawaii and Japan were conducted ‘for the lols’, adding that citizens ‘should have seen the looks on their faces’ as they frantically attempted to find shelter or contact their loved ones.

Both Hawaii and Japan were subjected to alerts about incoming North Korean ballistic missiles in the past week, with a Japanese news agency yesterday urging people to find shelter indoors as a North Korean missile strike was ‘imminent’, something which caused 95% of the population to immediately do an involuntary bowel movement in their undergarments.

Other than soiled trousers, the alerts passed off without incident and apologies were later issued by the International Missile Lookout post in the Pacific, who earlier today added that they were ‘pretty bored’ when they hit the big red button, and just wanted to ‘pass the time with some good old fashioned banter’.

“The Hawaii one… okay, that was kind of an accident, but it was great craic nonetheless,” giggled Dietrich Marshall, senior lookout man at the 9,000m tall lookout tower in the Pacific.

“But then yesterday, we were laughing our holes off at the YouTube footage of lads diving into holes and shit like that, and Jimmy over there was like, ‘hey, let’s do Japan!’… and it was great craic too. Sorry for all the inconvenience and the terror, but honestly, wait until you see our Instagram. It’s fucking hilarious”.

Meanwhile, after two false alarms the world has agreed to ‘not fall’ for any more incoming missile warnings, not even the one happening right now in Guam.