WWN Guide To Returning Home For The Christmas


WHETHER you’re living abroad and just popping back to the family home for a few days from your rent-heavy apartment in the big smoke, WWN has the essential guide to managing the return to ensure you endure as little stress and fuss as possible.

It should go without saying, you should not be coming home as a ‘surprise’ under any circumstances, as the HSE declared it simply can’t deal with the volume of heart attacks this creates. A spokesperson from Facebook also stated that newsfeeds already have enough heartwarming videos to see it through the Christmas.

Any news?

Before crossing the threshold of your family home, simply write a 400,000 word detailed account of everything that has happened to you this year and print off 8,000 copies. This way you can simply hand over the answer to every question you will be asked by your mother, father, aunt, uncle and inquisitive elderly neighbour. Hours of awkward conversation avoided: 789.

Any other news though?

This is the ideal time to utilise to abundance of food at home during the festive period, simply stuff your face to the brim with mince pies rendering yourself unable to answer any further questions. Buying earplugs to avoid hearing questions is advised too.

Suppose you heard about the Byrne’s fella? Terrible stuff

No matter what the local tidbit of gossip is this calendar year, simply lie and say that thanks to the internet, you’re well up on all your local gossip. Hours of awkward conversation saved: 193.

What would the weather be like where you are now, around Christmas like?

Simply hold up a charming picture of a smiling Sun and move on. Hours of awkward conversation saved: 347.

Isn’t that your ex over there?

A tough one, but we’ve struck on the awkwardness-free solution; “no of course it’s not but let’s immediately leave the pub anyway.” “What’s this? Oh it’s just some petrol and a match. No I’m not setting the pub on fire, burning my ex in the process all because I’m incapable of social interaction, you are!” “Jaysus, that fire didn’t half spread quick, did it? Right, we get a pint in down the road?” If you’re not the arsonist type, simply engage in polite conversation with them and then spend the Christmas agonising over some minor comment you made which you think made you look like a bit of a loser.

Would you ever think about moving home?

It’s always wise to lead with a quote from an ancient Greek philosopher and just keep quoting the musings of Socrates until your mother gets bored and realises having you home could actually make terrible conversations like this a regular occurrence.