2017 Behaving Itself So Far


ALTHOUGH 2017 has claimed a number of high-profile celebrities such as John Hurt and Bill Paxton, a team of statisticians has declared that in comparison with 2016, this year has thus far ‘behaved itself’.

2016 was renowned for its celebrity death toll, killing everyone from David Bowie to Prince while taking time to end the lives of Carrie Fisher, George Michael, Alan Rickman and Gene Wilder, to name but a few.

In comparison, 2017 has been surprisingly calm, with studies suggesting that this year could kill a high profile celebrity every month and still not match the impact of last year.

“If you look at this graph of weeks versus beloved celebrities dropping dead, you’ll see 2017 is downright tame compared to last year,” said Dr. Neil Kingston, celebrity deathistician.

“Frankly, who is there left to kill? Are you going to be as upset as you were when Prince died if 2017 kills, for example, Michael Douglas? I think we’ll be alright”.

However, concerns remain that 2017 still has a chance of being far worse than 2016, as the world deals with political uncertainty following Brexit, the presidential reign of Donald Trump, and ongoing and ever-escalating tragedies in the Middle East.

“Look, all people care about are celebrities,” shrugged Dr. Kingston.

“Nobody really gives a shit about any of that other crap”.