Delayed Stormont Talks To Be Delayed Because Rest Of UK Couldn’t Be Arsed


MPs in Westminster voted last night to delay the deadline for an agreement to be reached on power sharing in Stormont until the 29th of June, citing an inability to actually care about Northern Ireland.

With Brexit and getting her party more power deemed far more important than any concerns people in Northern Ireland could have, Tory leader Theresa May shrugged her shoulders as several MPs spoke on the potential political fragility still very much present in the North.

Prime Minister May went on to deny allegations that the Conservative Party no longer care about Northern Ireland and its myriad concerns and issues by stating “North Island is very close to my heart and at the forefront of my thoughts as we figure out a way to expend the least amount of energy in order to keep that lot happy”.

“Oh, and of course there will be cuts in North Island’s next budget, how do cuts to education sound?” May added.

However, the rest of the UK was more candid about what it is now focusing on and why having a functioning assembly is lower on its list of concerns than Boris Johnson’s next haircut.

“Meh,” confirmed the rest of the UK before adding “that was all solved years ago. Northern Ireland is a stable place where there is large scale youth unemployment, economic woes, and paramilitary activity. What more do those moaners want? We’ve a pointless snap election to vote in, we might just have to delay Stormont deadlines until, oh honestly, who cares”.