Man Fakes Heart Attacks To Get To Top Of Off Licence Queue At 9.55pm


A WATERFORD MAN who has left it to the very last minute to purchase his Good Friday alcohol supply before the off licences close at 10pm this evening is in the midst of faking a heart attack in order to skip to the top of the queue.

Foolishly hopeful that the onset of a heart attack would elicit any sympathy at all from other shoppers who have also left their alcohol run until the last minute, Cormac Collan is now in the middle of his elaborate ruse.

“Hmmm, oh God, yeah I can feel that now, it’s an awful specific pain in the general heart area,” Cormac explained to his girlfriend Lisa Kane, loud enough for everyone ahead of him in the 20 person deep queue to hear.

Kane, a willing accomplice in the heart attack tactic due to the fact there’s no way she’s going without her 18 Smirnoff Ice tomorrow night, ably assisted in the drama with an Oscar winning turn seemingly channeling Meryl Streep herself.

“Jesus, you don’t look well at all now that you say it Cormac. Perhaps, some people ahead of us in the queue, would let us ahead of them so that way we can buy our drink and get you the medical attention you so obviously need,” Kane said loudly directly into the ear of the person in front of her in the queue.

Realising that the clock was now at 9.57pm and drastic action was needed to avert an alcohol free day tomorrow, Cormac began clutching at his left arm as his dramatic interpretation of a heart attack had only moved him forward three places closer to the till.

“Ah, me arm’s at me now and everything, me left one. If anyone was to look up ‘signs of heart attacks’ on their phones now, they would see this is one of the symptoms,” Cormac shared with the off licence, in the hope the slow coaches would get the message.

Now the clock has struck 9.59pm, Cormac has not ruled out dying of a genuine heart attack as it seems increasingly likely he will be unable to purchase the three crates of beer he is carrying in his right arm.