“No One’s Good Enough For My Daughter,” Confirms Father Of Absolute Battle Axe


THE father of a prominent Waterford wagon has proudly stated how he doesn’t believe any man is good enough for his precious little girl, WWN can exclusively reveal.

Martin Hanlon, 54, has joked that he intends to ‘chase’ any potential suitors that might arrive to his Dungarvan home, where he lives with his wife Carol and their 24-year-old weapon of a daughter, Alice.

Alice, known to everyone in the south east as an absolute dose, has never found anything resembling a steady relationship due to a raft of unlikeable personality traits and a worldview that borders on downright bigoted, despite being a fairly good-looking woman with a decent job.

However, her father Martin has reassured locals that ‘nobody is good enough for our Alice’, regardless of the huge amount of evidence to the contrary.

“It’ll take a good man to let me give up my wee girl,” said Hanlon, speaking about Waterford’s answer to Eva Braun.

“I remember her first day at school, spitting at teachers and slapping smaller kids in the face… all the way up to her debs, where she went by herself because ‘everyone in school is a shithead’… all the way up to today. It’ll be well for any man that gets her, but he’ll have to come through me first!”

In response, the vast majority of Waterford men have agreed that they’d rather come through Mr. Hanlon than his daughter.