4 Things Santa Does With His 364 Days Off

SANTA Claus’s huge feat of endurance and logistical prowess on Christmas Eve only takes up one night of the year. Which begs the question, what does the overweight and workshy foreigner do with his 364 days off a year?

1) Santa tries to stay busy. When the 2008 economic crash hit Claus Inc badly and Santa’s relationship with  his wife suffered as a result as they struggled to pay the bills, the obese onesies wearer retreated into booze, gambling and online pornography.

His penchant for porn ultimately saved the business from bankruptcy. Noticing there was a market for countless Mrs Claus roleplay scenarios, the broke couple set about filming. Get Your Claus Into Me, Sit On My Lapland and Jingle Balls are still the most profitable porn movies of all time, with Mrs. Claus’s performance earning her fans worldwide.

2) The jovial tub of a man now travels the world to learn from the leading lights of the business world. Santa studies business leaders who have moved their production to cheap foreign labour markets, such as China. Santa’s main concern with toy manufacturing is that he needs a workforce with small, delicate elf-like hands, but after visiting a factory in Beijing, which made iPhone parts, Santa’s heart soared at the sight of small children’s hands busy at work.

3) Santa also claims the dole on the sly, and given the ease with which he can traverse the globe on his slay, Santa claims and collects dole payments from the 100 richest countries in the world. He is often seen taking on the role of a Santa in American malls for extra dough, with a particular love for telling kids they will die alone in the firey pits of hell if they don’t lay on a serious speread with some booze on Xmas eve.

4) The Santa brand is of huge importance to the future success of all things Christmas, and the present delivery king has an image to maintain. For much of the 364 days a year he has off, Santa is treating his body like a poorly maintained temple, entering eating and drinking contests around the world, in an effort to preserve his rotund belly. Even more important than being a fat mess is cutting overheads, leading Santa to shop during Black Friday, purchasing toys for a cut price. He also enjoys the thrill of physically assaulting fellow shoppers in the scramble for bargins.

[WWN-Post-Info-Box]Bad Santa 2 is in cinemas Wednesday 23rd November, check out just how bad a Santa can be in the trailer HERE[/WWN-Post-Info-Box]