How To Turn Your Avocadon’t Into An Avocado


HAVE you taken to including the superfood in more of your meals only to find that it doesn’t open up to you easily?

Some will suggest it isn’t ripe just yet, and could be ripened after chucking it in the oven for a bit. Nonsense. Avocados are an emotionally sensitive superfood, and to migrate that Avocadon’t, that doesn’t believe in its own hype, to the safe waters earmarked for Avocados, there’s only one thing for it: therapy.

Avocadon’t are shy, and often unwilling to share their insecurities. Just one couples session with a therapist can give it the help it needs to blossom into an Avocado.

Not all that keen on the taste?

What are you trying to do, destroy its confidence? It’s an avocado you Philistine, it will achieve more in its short life as part of 10 Jamie Oliver 15 minute meal recipes than you will with 80 years on this planet. Do not insult the Avocado, that’s what keeps it from fulfilling its potential and reducing it to a mere Avocadon’t. You prick.

Where to place your avocado?

The temptation is to place the avocado in a bowl with fruit, or in a press or the fridge with your veg. Madness. The avocado is the Rolls Royce of Superfoods. Find the most expensive food or drink you own and place it next to those items, the thrill of being in pricey company brings out the best flavours and tells the avocado you truly respect it.

Should I take pictures of my avocado and upload it to Instagram to impress my friends?

If you don’t know the answer to this one, you’re beyond help.