WWN Guide To Filling Out Your Census Form

BY now, you should have received your Census 2016 form through the door. You have until Sunday the 26th of April to fill it out, or suffer the consequences. You are legally obligated to fill out your census, and the penalties for non-compliance are harsh. Make sure you do the following;

1) Fill in your name.

You must fill your name in here. If you do not have a name, one will be provided for you, at a cost of €500. Non-compliance with this section will result in a mandatory 6-month jail sentence.

2) What is your relationship to the other people in the household?

The census takers will know if you are lying. Do not put down “daughter” if your daughter is in fact your grand-daughter, and you took her as your own to save your eldest child from the shame of unmarried parenthood. This will all come out in the results, so if you need to have a chat with your family, now is the time to do it.

3) What is your religion?

You will answer Roman Catholic to this question. Now is not the time to get cute. We are watching you. You think it’ll be funny to write “Jedi” or something? Try it, and see how much you’re laughing on April 27th.

4) How is your health in general?

Are you able to work? If not, then you are of no use to the regime. To the mines!

5) How many rooms do you have for use only by your household?

Are any other rooms being used by other people; deserters, perhaps? Make it easy on yourself, tell us now, and we may spare you.

6) Does your household have access to the internet?

Oh, they don’t, do they? Then how are you reading this now? Caught you out! Guards, take them away!