WWN Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Your sins are no longer something the Vatican can ignore. 

taurus

21 April – 21 May

Look on the bright side; if you’re ever up for an Oscar and you don’t win, you’ve got your “disappointing” face ready. You’ve been practicing all your life!

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You grab the nearest American and yell at them that there’s a “u” in colour.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You finally read a book that doesn’t have “Now a major motion picture!” on the cover.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

You think up of an awesome April Fools gag, but you have to sit on it for nearly a full year.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

A pleasant day on the beach is ruined by the fact that the beach sucks. Sand is dirty. The water is always freezing. Why do people go to the beach? Fuck the beach.

libra

September 23 – October 22

Your 3 month gym membership is finally expired, so you no longer feel guilty about having only gone once back in January.  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

This is a long shot, but have you seen our headphones? 

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You successfully run the Dublin marathon, after getting on the wrong side of some lads on the north side.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Missed the Angelus this week? Just catch the omnibus on Sunday.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You can skip this week in 5s.

pisces

February 19 – March 20

That’s not nutella.  

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