WWN Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
Your sins are no longer something the Vatican can ignore.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
Look on the bright side; if you’re ever up for an Oscar and you don’t win, you’ve got your “disappointing” face ready. You’ve been practicing all your life!
gemini
May 21 – June 20
You grab the nearest American and yell at them that there’s a “u” in colour.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
You finally read a book that doesn’t have “Now a major motion picture!” on the cover.
leo
July 23 – August 22
You think up of an awesome April Fools gag, but you have to sit on it for nearly a full year.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
A pleasant day on the beach is ruined by the fact that the beach sucks. Sand is dirty. The water is always freezing. Why do people go to the beach? Fuck the beach.
libra
September 23 – October 22
Your 3 month gym membership is finally expired, so you no longer feel guilty about having only gone once back in January.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
This is a long shot, but have you seen our headphones?
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You successfully run the Dublin marathon, after getting on the wrong side of some lads on the north side.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Missed the Angelus this week? Just catch the omnibus on Sunday.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You can skip this week in 5s.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
That’s not nutella.