Bertie Ahern As Surprised As Anyone He’s Not On Panama Papers List


A VISIBLY relieved Bertie Ahern has admitted he is as surprised as anyone to find his name is not one of those listed in the Panama Papers, a huge tranche of documents which details questionable offshore banking practices availed of by rich and famous individuals around the world.

With Vladimir Putin, Lionel Messi and David Cameron just some of the names connected in one way or another to law firm Mossack Fonseca, who specialised in facilitating the concealment of assets and transactions, some members of the Irish public were enjoying speculating on which, if any, Irish citizens would crop up in the scandal.

“There are so many pies, and I’ve only 10 fingers, but you do lose track of what investments you made, what you’ve said yes and no to, so naturally I was relieved as, eh, anyone not to be, eh, listed in those files,” the former Taosieach stated in a brief conversation with WWN.

While office sweepstakes are up and running, with a number of prominent Irish business people and politicians being wagered on heavily in relation to possible involvement in the Panama Papers, Ahern is just happy to learn he is not one of them.

“I’m sure I’m not the only one who was worried, I bet Joe and Mary Soap were shitting themselves too.

“You have solicitors, accountants and the like who look after and manage your financial affairs, so when a headline like this crops up you say ‘please not me’, and that’s not even including the friends that typically lend you vast sums of money, you know, just normal people stuff,” the former Fianna Fáil leader added.

In unrelated news Maltese resident Denis O’Brien has bolstered his suing department by some 3,000 lawyers in the last 24 hours.