How To Be Homeless In Ireland


THESE days in Ireland, being classed as “homeless” takes a little bit more effort than just not having a place to live. We like our homeless people like we like our coffee; white, not too hot, and without any airs or graces. If you’re looking for help in Ireland, you’re going to have to follow a few guidelines:

1) Look the part

If you’re going to be homeless in Ireland, you’ve got to dress the part. We don’t tolerate anyone who makes an attempt to look like any other member of society. Make-up? Nice clothes? Those things are for people with a home they can call their own. You may find comfort in trying to retain some small grasp on your life before you lost your house, but we need our homeless people to dress in sackcloth and ashes, so that we can make a mental distinction between “them” and “us”. As for worldly possessions? You can’t be homeless and have a phone! Your kids can’t have toys! Come on now! Leave all that stuff for the repo men when they kick you out. You’re only supposed to own the clothes on your back.

2) Be on drugs

It really doesn’t sit well with Irish people when someone is homeless and doesn’t have a problem with drug or alcohol addiction. We like to be able to rationalise in our heads that you lost your house because you’re an alcoholic or a junkie; sure it was your own fault. This is because we aren’t alcoholics or junkies, and therefore we will never lose OUR homes. The thoughts that a clean and sober individual could fall victim to homelessness really doesn’t sit well with us. So if on top of living in emergency accommodation, you could also have a substance abuse problem; that’d be great. It also makes it easier for us to feel superior to you, and not make any attempt at helping you. Sure, you’d only spend it on drugs!

3) Don’t have kids

You’d think having kids might make your plight more sympathetic to your fellow countryfolk – not the case! Having children with you in emergency accommodation just pushes us a bit higher up the ladder of self-righteousness. What were you thinking when you got pregnant in the first place? Did you not think someday you might lose your home and be left with nowhere to go? Your lack of clairvoyance is not our problem. Allow us to use “well you should have thought of that before you had them kids” as an answer to every one of your pleas for help.

4) Be a man

This may seem obvious, but if you’re going to be homeless in Ireland, we’re going to really need you to be a man. We’re hardwired to distrust women, and suspect them of perhaps wanting to be homeless, as part of some sort of roundabout way of getting something for nothing. Men can fall victim to homelessness. Women, you’ve probably just done something to bring it upon yourself. Silly!

5) Live on the streets

We feel silly just saying this, but hey,  if you’re going to be homeless, be proper homeless. Like, on the street homeless. Then, you might get your voice heard. This thing of living in emergency accommodation; that’s not homelessness. We had a night away in the INEC Killarney last summer after snapping up a deal on GroupOn, and we had a great time. We’d love to do it again. We wish we had your problems!

So as you can see, the best case scenario for a homeless person looking for help in Ireland is not to be a teetotal single mother living in a hotel room, who occasionally tries to retain a bit of dignity by dressing well when going out in public. What you need to be is a man with a chronic dependency problem, living rough on the streets with absolutely nobody to turn to. We help those guys out straight away!