WWN Guide To Naming Your Home

By naming it of course! Choosing the right name for your house is essential when cementing your family’s presence in a new neighbourhood.

A reconnaissance mission is needed before ever contemplating your house name. You need to pick something different from the rest, so cross-checking is key.

This can be done two ways; either on Google street view, or human street view (which is basically you walking around with a camera taking pictures). We would recommend the latter due to Google being 7 years behind with their pics.

Hopefully all the old favourites like, Orchard, Meadow, Rose Cottage, Brambles will already be taken, because, let’s face it, people who name their homes are generally very uncreative.

Choose a name that best describes your home. For example, if you live in a three bedroom terrace in a housing estate, call it something like ‘Excalibur’, ‘The Gables’ or ‘Council View’. This will let your neighbours know how sound, unpretentious and inviting you are.

Note: do not give your house a human name like Derek, or Mark, as this can sometimes confuse delivery and postmen.

The very second you move in, make sure to hang your new house name plaque beside your door, or at your front gate, making sure the whole world knows the name of your newly Christened house. Calling a priest to bless the house is not uncommon. Get him to baptise it if at all possible. Priests love blessing things and they don’t charge.

Insist that every parcel, bill and envelope delivered to you must have the name of your house. If you receive any form of post without your house name on it, return to sender and request an apology – this is a blatant insult to you, and your home.

Always refer to your home by its name, and not by its number. This will convince people you are not like the rest, and that you don’t conform to the mainstream; you are your own person and your 3 bedroom layout is only physically similar to all the other 400 houses in your estate by a technicality.

And just remember, the radiators under your bedroom window may waste massive amounts of energy like all the rest, but not one of these fuckers in your neighbourhood has a name like Excalibur. No, sir. And yes, the box room may be above the front door like the rest too, but Excalibur doesn’t care. Excalibur is a house. Your house, and houses rule. So, name it well.