Aries March 21 – April 19
You will spend this week crashing from the Halloween Haribo bender you went on.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Quit looking around as if you don’t know where that smell is coming from. It’s coming from YOU.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Do you have 300 euro to pay a photographer? Congratulations, you are now a model.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
You see 8 magpies on your way to work. 8? What could that possibly mean? The rhyme only goes up to 7!
Leo July 23 – August 22
Relax. The year is nearly over. Then next year starts. And all your troubles will disappear. Somehow.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
You’re not supposed to dance to ASMR videos. Calm the fuck down.
Libra September 23 – October 22
D’you think you could go through the side wall of a bus stop if you ran at it fast enough? Only one way to find out, I suppose.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
There’s that shop assistant who short-changed you last year. Never forgive. Never forget.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
You don’t have to give up your seat on the train to that elderly lady. She looks full of beans. You’re tired. You need the seat more.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Get a head start on your Christmas drinking now, don’t leave it all ’til the last minute.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
New Twitter follower! Clearly a spambot account, but still!
Pisces February 19 – March 20
If only there was some way you could get extra sleep at night without going to bed early.