WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

Hangovers, eh? They aren’t getting any easier.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Have you ever considered the priesthood? You might actually get the ride once in a while.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Your decision to not bother taking down your Christmas lights last year is about to pay off!

Cancer June 21 – July 22

DON’T EAT THAT.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Take it easy, it’s just a Vietnam flashback. It’ll pass, it always does.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Lost three hours of work with a single mouse click? That calls for a Carlsberg.

Libra September 23 – October 22

We’re sorry we missed your birthday. Did you have a nice time?

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Your NCT is due. Sure, just stick it through and see does it pass, that way you’ll have a checklist of what needs to be fixed rather than getting gouged in a garage. You’re welcome!

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

It is your duty from now until the end of the year to hint strongly that NO, one present for both Christmas and birthday will not be sufficient.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Can we help you? Keep fucking walking.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Bank holiday AND the clocks change? What the fuck day is it?

Pisces February 19 – March 20

100% completion of Lego Jurassic World! And they said you’d never amount to anything!