Government Orders Immediate Incineration Of Nation’s Banana Stocks

TAOISEACH Enda Kenny ordered the immediate incineration of the country’s banana stocks this morning after a county Clare woman discovered a giant spider crawling inside a freshly opened packet of Fiffes bought in Dunnes Stores.

In an emergency meeting called by the Fine Gael leader, a motion was passed to destroy “every banana in the country” to help prevent any more spiders from landing on Irish soil.

Speaking to WWN this morning, a visibly panicked Mr. Kenny said “we have to burn them all right now, before they start breeding”.

Following the order, the Irish army deployed dozens of units across the country to help destroy banana stockpiles. By noon o’clock, over 200 retail warehouses were destroyed in the Dublin area alone, forcing large plumes of billowing black smoke above the Nation’s capital.

Retailers have since come forward stating that the government was “over-reacting” and warned that they will be seeking compensation for stocks last.

“The army literally burned everything in our warehouse as a precaution,” said one cash and carry owner. “We’re insured for all this, but the environmental damage caused is just ludicrous. The whole city looks like it’s on fire right now.”

This is the fourth spider to be found in a packet of banana’s since the beginning of 2015, “and hopefully the last”, the Government has claimed.

Recent consumers of the product are being urged to approach any banana they may have in the home with caution. If you should find a spider, please alert your local army barracks, where a local unit will come and incinerate your premises free of charge.