WWN Horoscopes


Aries March 21 – April 19

This week you will mistakenly reach for the glue, sticking your hand to your mickey.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Spending most of the day wishing Juarassic World was a reality is a great way to pass the time, but also indicative of the fact you have learned nothing from all 4 installments of the movie franchise.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

I don’t care if it feels good you’re an adult, stop powdering your arse with talcum powder.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

This week the Oxford Dictionary panel for new words will write to you to inform you that you have yet again failed to have ‘cuntfuckulous’ recognised as a new word.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Sure buy that tie dye bandana, I’m sure your kids will think they’ve got a really cool dad who isn’t an embarrassment in any way, shape or form.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Really, you couldn’t go a week without murdering a prostitute? Honestly, sometimes I feel like you don’t even take on board what I have to say to you.

Libra September 23 – October 22

This week you will spend hours practising your sad face in the mirror as you prepare to bury your mother who you hated immensely.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

No, writing erotic X Files fan fiction is totally not a waste of your time. Yes, I’m sure your readers will be open to the idea of a gay love affair between Mulder and the Smoking Man.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

This week you will do the Christmas shopping because honestly, there’s something seriously wrong with you.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Oh look such lovely weather, no seriously look because that’s as close as you’ll get to it since you’ll be stuck in doors working all week.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

I know I said this was a no judgement zone but really? Light denim jeans with knee high socks over them… is it any wonder Liam ran away with the neighbours daughter?