‘Missionary Position’ To Be Phased Out By 2016, Confirms Government

IN the latest attempt by the Government to project an image of Ireland abroad as a great place to live and work, an announcement on the future of the missionary position has been made.

The missionary position, for so long the default sexual position for a nation that legally wasn’t allowed to enjoy sex, it is now seen as outdated and not reflective of modern Ireland.

The announcement, made on St. Patrick’s Day in an effort to have the news buried from the roving eye of the media, means that by 2016 the vast majority of the Nation will not be allowed to partake in sex using the missionary position unless they have special dispensation from the Government.

“Well, obviously some medical card holders will be allowed to still partake,” explained Alan Daly spokesperson at the department of health.

“This is just a small and necessary step to portraying Ireland as a great modern and exciting country,” added Daly, “Will some people incur injuries due to a lack of stretching before sex? Probably. Will more Brazilians, Americans and so on come over to invest and work after hearing the Kama Sutra has become a national pastime? Probably yes, too”.

However, not everyone is happy with the decision.

“Ah, sometimes after a long day, you’d just rather have a hassle free ride with the missus ya know? And missionary was always there. It’s like a 6-pack of Dutch Gold or a microwave meal. Sure, there are better options, but this is most convenient for me,” explained a member of the public and missionary enthusiast Conor Glennon.

“Who are the Government to dictate how I have sex?” Hannah Morgan told WWN angrily, “The husband will be getting all sorts of notions now, thanks to this, he’ll be giddy with excitement just when I’ve ground his expectation down into the ground”.

The phasing out of the position will represent an additional €40 million to the economy each year as couples are forced out of their comfort zones and into investing in reading materials and how-to videos.

“Google has already reported a 7000% percent rise in the search term ‘sex positions that are not missionary’,” confirmed Daly.

“Some people might be reluctant to embrace the future, but honestly, we’re hearing great things about ‘the erotic V’ position,” Daly concluded.