Woodies Sell Out Of Measuring Tapes Following Penis Length Study


DIY specialists Woodies has sold out of measuring tapes following the publication of a comprehensive study which revealed the average penis length, WWN can exclusively reveal.

Woodies 37 branches were besieged this morning by thousands of men as staff lifted the shutters, with a number of them reduced to fighting in the aisles as stores quickly sold out of measuring tapes.

The international study of 15,000 penises revealed that the average size of a man’s penis is 3.6 inches when flaccid and 5.16 inches when erect, but leading researchers in the study have insisted men measure in centimetres to make it sound better.

Several violent incidents occurred in some stores as well as reports of men cowering and crying in corners.

“I think penises are a bit like screwdrivers to be honest,” explained Don Benson, manager of Woodies in Cork, “you’ve all types; your flat heads, your Philip,s but at the end of the day you’ve just got to find the right nail who doesn’t give a shit about size”.

Men desperate to clarify if they had penises verging on the pornographic in scope took to the hardware store with several excuses as to why they were purchasing the measuring tapes.

“At first I though it was some big day for DIY or something,” explained retail assistant Jessica Dorrans, “I finally copped on when one guy said his wife sent him down for 6 inches of lead piping”.

A Woodies branch in Dublin even managed to sell a solid gold Lufkin brand measuring tape, believed to be worth €3,000, as only a handful of measuring tapes remained.

“Look it, gimme it, I need this,” Dubliner Martin Brown said as he wrestled another customer to the ground as they fought over the last remaining measuring tape, “the wife wants me to put up some, eh, shelves – yeah that’s it so I need to measure some fuckin’ wood”.

Both men soon ceased fighting and began to hug one another, tearily saying ‘it’s okay, it’s okay’.

Other customers were said to leave frustrated with the quality of measuring tapes for sale in the DIY store: “It’s a joke, that’s the third measuring tape I’m after buying this morning and the scale is just wonky on all of them,” revealed angry customer Paul Higgins.