WWN Horoscopes

All you need to know is right here in this week’s WWN Horoscopes:

Aries March 21 – April 19

This week you will use the phrase ‘YOLO’ unironically. It is a low point.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

This week you will remind yourself that despite all the bad things that have happened this year, next year will be your year. SPOILER ALERT! You won’t even make it to next year.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Uranus ascends, forcing you to spend over €200 on truly awful Christmas decorations. No, I’ve no idea why you do these things either.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Ugh, you are the worst. Now that your juice cleanse has entered its second week, being in your company in tight enclosed spaces only brings forth nostril burning bowel movements.

Leo July 23 – August 22

No John, the world doesn’t need another Stevie Wonder tribute act. ‘Stevie Still Wonders If He’ll Ever See’ is literally the worst idea you’ve ever had. You don’t even play the keyboards.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

This week, in an effort to seek the approval of your homophobic Grandmother, you will replace her bedside Bible with an edited version which includes several passages about how great it is to have a gay grandson.

Libra September 23 – October 22

Libra-me-out-of-this! Sorry for the awful pun, I’m just not sure how to start a star sign entry when I have to tell you you’ll be crushed to death by an overweight man falling backwards on an escalator.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Scorpio… that’s kind of a cool name for a superhero, which is convenient because you will fall into a vat of radioactive waste this week. And things just get worse from there.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

This week is all about love, love, love… four letters, one syllable and utterly unobtainable for someone such as yourself.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

It is 20 years to the day since Tommy Nolan punched you on little break in junior infants. This week you will finally have your revenge when you murder his entire family while he pops out to the shops for milk. I think you might have some anger issues.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Nobody puts baby in the corner. It is impractical and there isn’t much visual stimulus provided by a white wall for a child of that age. You are actually quite an irresponsible parent now that I think of it.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

No love is stronger than the love you feel for your children so this week you give into their many Christmas gift demands as they remind you that you will be old one day and in need of being looked after.

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