Dublin Braces Itself For Onslaught Of Culchie Shoppers


“IT DOESN’T seem to matter to them that they have their own shopping centres in the country, they all rush into Dublin on the 8th”, said Finbar O’Dowd, spokesperson for the Dublin Retailers Association, speaking exclusively to WWN on the morning of the 8th of December, colloquially known as the Culchies Day Out.

O’Dowd was voicing the concerns of many shopkeepers across the city, who fear a repeat of last year’s violent scenes as culchies from all across the country converged on Dublin for their traditional shopping rampage, resulting in mass casualties and hundreds of arrests.

Travelling in droves to the capital, the culchie consumers will spend the day putting pressure on the already-stretched staff of department stores across the city, with a never ending succession of stupid fucking statements such as “Is that the best price you’ll do that for?” and “Ah sure there’s probably more out the back, go out and look”.

“We have to be patient, and not give them anything to complain about,” said O’Dowd, in a rousing message to his retail troops at half seven this morning.

“They will bombard you with nonsense, and try and haggle with you over the price of things, as if they were buying a car on Done Deal. They will not know their PIN number when it comes time to pay, and have to ring someone at home to read it off the back of an envelope. But if we stay patient and not lose our tempers, we will get through this day”.

As shops in Dublin opened their shutters with trepidation, the Irish League of Culchies began their migration to the city, many driving past shopping centres in their hometowns that contained the very same retailers they were going to visit in “that Dublin”.

Declaring the 8th a day of cultural significance and a part of their heritage, the culchies were bracing themselves for a day of €8 sandwiches and walking out in front of the Luas.