“I Thought We Told You To Fuck Off,” Nation Tells Garth Brooks
ONLY three weeks after the department of education confirmed Leaving Cert history would be changed to reflect ‘pre’ and ‘post’ Garth Brooks periods in Irish history comes the disturbing news that the country singer is still planning on returning.
Many Irish people have greeted the news with concern and confusion citing a previously drafted open letter to the country legend that advised Brooks to ‘stay the fuck away from Ireland’. A second such letter is being drafted as we speak by the Brooks Can Get Fucked (BCGF) anti-Garth Brooks pressure group.
“We don’t want to come across as rude or anything, honestly, but I’m almost certain we told him to fuck off before,” offered head of the BCGF Anthony Grogan.
The Government has put its special ‘Brooks Protocol’ into action, meaning should Brooks attempt to enter the country, he will be apprehended and held in a specially designed ‘media meltdown-proof’ Garth Brooks Isolation Unit. It is here he will be told of the people’s desire for him to ‘fuck right off’ and the army will be on standby to prevent any local Dublin councilor or politician, looking to make a name for himself/herself, gain access to Brooks.
Reports that several citizens of Ireland dropped to their knees and screamed “why has God forsaken us so?” the moment they heard rumours of the singer’s return can now be confirmed by WWN. We regret to report that several people, who were known to easily anger, also suffered massive heart attacks upon learning of the country singer’s intentions.
However, we cannot confirm that hundreds of Irish media professionals have been suspended for masturbating furiously to the news, such was the delight and excitement at the thought of publishing 843,000 Garth Brooks related articles in the coming hours.
“It’s utter nonsense to suggest we get some sort of pleasure from the idea that Brooks sells papers and we can print anything and it’ll boost sales,” explained an Irish Independent insider, “if you don’t believe just pick our special 400-page ‘Is Garth Coming Home?’ this Sunday to see how much we don’t want to capitalise on this.”