New Roy Keane Book Openly Criticises Cramped Conditions In Mother’s Womb

ROY KEANE’S new autobiography is set to dominate the back pages of newspapers and much office chatter as details of his book slowly emerge ahead of its publication this Thursday.

The book, tentatively titled Everybody Is A Prick Except Me, largely focuses on the later years of his playing career bringing the reader right up to 2014 and Keane’s role as both Ireland and Aston Villa assistant manager.

One detour from this formula sees the Cork man discuss one of his earliest childhood memories – being stuck in a cramped womb.

“Very little planning went into the whole construction obviously. You’re talking about a bodily process that has seen billions born throughout the history of mankind and here I am, a future United captain, struggling for room to fully stretch out my legs,” reads the opening of the third chapter of Keane’s book.

“You’ve what? Nine months to really plan it, make changes, adjustments, Jesus even get a decent light in the place, but they didn’t and by the time I was born I had plenty to say to my parents about it. My first words were ‘amateur hour’ and ‘I’m disappointed in you'”.

Keane’s book, which is sure to be a best seller, also covers much of his time away from the game post-retirement.

“I had played at the highest level and never really had an opportunity to enjoy some time off,” Keane says as he details the year he spent traveling the world in an attempt to see some of the world’s greatest cultural sites and feats of human achievement.

“Visited the Sistine Chapel, boring. Shit technique for a painter if we’re being honest. The Pyramids, built too far out of town with poor public services, fecking sand everywhere. Gaudí’s Cathedral…the prick never bothered to finish it like…” Keane goes on like this for close to four chapters.

Keane’s ghostwriter, Roddy Doyle, revealed to WWN that the experience was arduous at times.

“I wrestled with Roy on the number of character assassinations he should put in the book,” explained Doyle, “but in the end he got his way and the bit about Ghandi being ‘fucking useless in a street fight’ stayed in.”