Phil Hogan Denies He Was Environment Minister For 3 Years


phil hogan

FRESH from the reports that suggest the former minister for the environment Phil Hogan knew about the €40 million consultant fees relating to Irish Water comes the news that he denies all knowledge of holding his ministerial post in the first place.

Unlike our news rivals, WWN always endeavours to get the answers from the people in power for our dear readers. This is why we travelled to Brussels to accuse Phil Hogan of dishonesty in person only to find an intriguing web of lies, misdeeds and moustaches.

Upon our arrival at the European Commission, we were greeted by a Monsieur Philippe Argonaut, a strangely familiar figure who said he was unaware of a ‘Phil Hogan’ currently working as part of the European Commission.

“I am so sorry my petit ami,” said Philippe in a terrible French accent as he twirled an elaborate moustache which took up residence on his face, “but I’m sure if this Hogan was here he would tell you he had no knowledge of the environment of which you speak,” he added while winking suggestively.

“You tell me of this scandal and maybe if I was this Hogie Bear you tell me off, I would be how you Irish say – ‘shitting myself’? So perhaps a life far away from Ireland sounds very appealing,” the French man added while facing some pictures of Phil Hogan and his family face down on his desk.

It is unclear as to why Phil Hogan is choosing to spend his first few weeks in Brussels dressed as a French man named Philippe Argonaut but it is thought it may have something to do with avoiding tough questions on his role in the troubled and often calamitous setting up of Irish Water.

The reports circulating that damningly assert that in 2012 the then minister knew of the costs relating to consultant fees for Irish Water but would subsequently lie about such knowledge have sent Hogan into some sort of French-fuelled fugue state in which he can safely deny everything, including actually being Phil Hogan at all.

The minister formerly known as Phil Hogan will take charge of the Common Agriculture Policy with 44% of the total EU budget in his new role as commissioner for agriculture, giving millions of Europeans sleepless nights and thousands of consultants near fatal erections.