Aries March 21 – April 19

You will finally master the Family Fortunes ‘wrong’ buzzer noise this week, much to the disgust of your cat and only friend Mr. Tiddles.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Smearing butter on your naked self will only keep them at bay for so long.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

The fact you’re still alive and reading this makes me question my own abilities as an astrologer. It will definitely be this week.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Your decision not to cut the lawn past August 31st will go horribly wrong this week when babysitting duty turns into a missing persons case littered with discrepancies and bad blood with the in-laws.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Why don’t you just fucking Google it you stupid piece of shit.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

You know everything she says is true, but that shouldn’t give your girlfriend the right to put it in the fridge. Ketchup is laced with vinegar and should be quite fine at room temperature, thank you very much.

Libra September 23 – October 22

It’s about time you ring the number on that Swiss clinic brochure your family members keep leaving around the house.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Though not premeditated, and with the aid of the 41A leaving Dun Laoghaire, you will break the world land speed record this week while attempting to cross the street on foot – ending your career as a functioning pedestrian for good.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

No you’re right, Sagittarius is a stupid name. But that didn’t stop you using it to pick up that blonde last week, did it? Yeah, well you’re fucking welcome asshole!

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Your entire world will be thrown into chaos this Wednesday when the deli-assistant insists on putting the lettuce in before the ham, triggering yet another one of your stupid Facebook rants everyone secretly laughs at you over.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

RTE2’s new look is actually growing on you now: just like that brain tumour you don’t know about.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

No, you should really go for that long on top, shaved at the sides look all the men have these days. It looks great on middle-aged men too. Honest!