Nigerian Kidnappers Boko Haram Not That Worried After Talking To Kony



Joseph Kony, leader of the LRA and star of 2012 internet trend ‘Kony 2012’ has rushed to reassure Jihadist group Boko Haram and their leader that they have very little to worry about despite increased media and internet scrutiny.

Boko Haram have belatedly made international headlines in recent days thanks to their abhorrent kidnapping of over 200 Nigerian girls.

The shift in reporting has given rise to an increased campaign amongst internet users aiming to highlight the plight of the kidnapped girls similar to the campaign which saw Joseph Kony, the famed kidnapper of as many as 50,000 child soldiers brought to justice on the internet.

“If my tweet about how I’d cut off Boko Haram’s dick can result in his arrest in much the same Kony 2012 was tracked down, arrested and definitely now imprisoned, then I’ll have done my part,” shared online activist Brenda Cullen, who has written as many as 5 tweets and Facebook statuses about this latest incident.

Kony is believed to have reached out to Boko Haram leader Abubakar Shekau and informed him that everything should be okay. Via satellite phone Kony is rumoured to have advised Shekau on how to avoid being brought to justice.

“Whatever you, don’t type your name into Twitter, people can be really mean. Basically just keep doing what you’re doing. The only Twitter trend that I know of that did something effective was that Rage Against The Machine vs X Factor for Christmas number 1, hang in there buddy. There’s like over 20 dictators doing their thing at the moment, people will get distracted.”

Kony is then believed to have rattled off various figures about how over 40 of the World’s nations employ Sharia law in some form, that Moldova alone sees young women in there tens of thousands trafficked out of the country and into sexual slavery and that US drone programs are still politely ignored.

“It could be like some post-colonial guilt or something, but honestly beyond some really cool photoshop and tweets, they’re probably going to have as much effect as they have on the countless civil wars and conflicts on-going right now. We’re just lucky that the media largely agree white western people are more important than anyone else,” Kony concluded.

Social media users here in Ireland and elsewhere have been told not to write to their TDs, the Nigerian embassy here in Ireland, or even donate money to a charity as it has been deemed pointless. They have also been warned that physically getting up and making a difference is advised against and frowned upon.

“I know there was a protest on at the Nigerian embassy this morning but it’s more important that you stop what you are doing and update your social media now,” barked social media expert Cameron Easterby, “our Facebook statuses will not rest until these monsters are trending.”