The Cause Of Peaches Geldof’s Death Is Everyone’s Business



An agreement reached among fellow non-famous human beings has been declared ‘historic’ by many experts in the field of modern celebrity, the media and reprehensible behaviour.

The tragic and untimely passing of woman and mother-of-two Peaches Geldof has been declared the perfect subject on which to muse, obsess, fawn over and pass judgement on.

The accord reached by the general public means that regardless of circumstance it is the public’s right to know exactly what happened to someone in the public eye and that maximum media scrutiny is welcomed and encouraged.

“We’re basically shareholders in whatever misery or scandal befalls anyone in the public eye,” explained one of the accord’s signatories, The Media. “We think it disgusting that someone would suggest people have an expectation of privacy at a time such as this,” The Media concluded.

The majority of newspapers carried the news of Geldof’s cause of death on their front page, following the leaking of the coroners report before its official release.

Under the new rules the general public are allowed see no problem whatsoever with the idea that a leading newspaper would seek out an employee of the coroners office and try to obtain the initial coroners report before its official publication.

“We’re all just trying to group together and apportion blame for her death,” shared another internet user Jessica Govan, “it’s a struggle to decide whether she deserved it or are we heartbroken. Or maybe it shouldn’t have happened because she’s rich. One thing we know for certain is that it is our business and something we should talk about openly on all public forums available to us.”

Countless other people echoed the sentiments of Jessica.

“Well, we all got together last night when The Times first reported the cause of death of this woman I had no particular interest in until she died and we all agreed her corpse was ours to gorge on,” shared internet user, member of society and holder-down-of-a-job Pete Wilson.

The accord also makes it illegal for someone not to share ignorant and insidious opinions on social media in the event of a tragedy befalling a famous ‘person’.

“I’ve always been a fan of Peaches so like, I was delighted Sky News flew a helicopter over her house as emergency services arrived on the scene,” shared internet user and mother Jenny Farrell.

“We’re so lucky that the media gathered up all those celebrity tweets about it for us to read too, I couldn’t go through them on my own,” added Jenny.

“I’m just glad we’ve reached this agreement whereby we get to disavow ourselves of blame and we get to really enjoy the next death,” shared Geoff Owens, lifelong fan of contributing wild speculation in the direction of people he has never met about people he has never met.

“The ‘no sense of decency or guilt required’ clause is great because I can really indulge in my petty ways without feeling bad.”

The media and the general public have commended one another for their consistent speculation as to the cause of Peaches Geldof’s death despite being aware of the fact an impending inquest would provide the exact cause of death.