Man Eats Last Dominos Pizza Before New Health Kick For 73rd Time



Breaking news coming into us here at WWN involves one man’s effort to cut down on the amount of delicious pizzas he eats.

Brian Fitzgerald, a Carrick-On-Suir native, had told friends recently, he was cutting out all ‘treat’ food in an effort to gain the sculpted figure of a ‘Rob Kearney type’.

“I said to my friends ‘I am cutting out all treat food in an effort to gain the sculpted figure of a ‘Rob Kearney’ type'” Brian reiterated.

Despite these claims, the 22-year-old student found himself magnetically drawn to Dominos at 8.30pm yesterday evening. Brian relayed the chain of events which WWN can only describe as disturbing.

“As I said to the lads there was no way I was going to get off my strict nuts and water diet that had served me so well these last 17 hours,” Brian explained, “but then something really worrying happened to my body. Against my will, something dragged me down to Dominos and used my hand to open the door into the pizzeria.”

Fellow Dominos customers noticed something wasn’t right about Brian’s entrance at the time. “He was salivating and kind of grumbling the word ‘pizza’ over and over again, I was kind of scared to be honest,” shared customer Aoife Higgins.

Brian is seen on CCTV in Dominos entering the establishment, paying for an 11″ Hawaiian and then eating the mouth watering creation with wild abandon.

“It will look like I wanted to eat that pizza from the CCTV which obviously isn’t the case. Obviously. All I remember is like this sensation of my hand picking up the slice and I was saying ‘oh no Brian what about that lovely nut mix at home’ but like completely against my will, my mouth was launched towards the slice at some pace by an external and mysterious force, biting down on it and eating it.”

Closer inspection of the CCTV does appear to back up Brian’s version of events as he seemed to eat in a trance like state, disturbingly accompanied by a bugle in the crotch area of his pants, seemingly aroused. Brian admitted this was the 73rd time in the last 12 months that he had eaten his last pizza before maintaining a healthy diet.

Brian’s claims of pizza-possession is believed to affect a number of people who try to cut out all joyful foods in their diet. “Do I regret it?” Brian pondered, “well I’m currently on a diet more suited to an anorexic squirrel so no, I don’t.”