Michael O’Leary Finally Realises He’s A Bit Of A Cunt

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IRISH BUSINESSMAN and chief executive officer of Ryanair, Michael O’Leary, has finally realised he’s a bit of a cunt, in an exclusive interview with Waterford Whispers News today.

Speaking from his West Meath home, Mr. O’Leary said he had no idea how much of an actual cunt, he was until he stopped to reflect on his persona four weeks ago.

“Usually I don’t have time to think about my public appearance,” said the 52-year-old stripy shirt fanatic. “I decided to Google my name out of sheer boredom and found thousands of references to me being an absolute bollocks to people in the past. It didn’t really bother me at first, as I always knew myself, I was a bit of a cunt, but later that day it really sank in.”

The Cork born native took a moment to gather his emotions before clearing his nasal passages into a five hundred euro note and discarding it into a bin beside him.

“Being a bit of a cunt goes with the CEO territory,” he explained. “However, I never thought I was an actual cunt in the eyes of the public. I mean, a lot of people really don’t like me, do they?

“There’s a difference between being a lovable cunt and a ‘cunt’ cunt, and I think I may have crossed the line somewhere while dancing on it over the years.”

Late last week the Ryanair boss decided to reinvent himself through the companies latest ad campaign, by trying to come across as “caring and cuddly”.

“It took four hundred takes to nail it down properly.” said director of the advert, Jamie Keane of TV3. “Even after the right take, we had to go back in and manipulate Michael’s face to smile in post production.”

“We originally filmed on location at the Ryanair check-in desks in Dublin Airport, but Mick kept swearing and cursing during takes and was scaring away customers.

“We had to eventually bring him into TV3’s state of the art green-screen room.” he added.

Staff at the airline have also reported a dramatic change in their boss, leaving many at the company ‘freaked out’ by his new demeanour.

“We’re just waiting for him to explode.” said check in staff member Deirdre Tracey, who wished to remain anonymous. “Everyone is freaked out of their heads with the new Zen master. He’s just leading everyone into a false sense of security. I liked him better before. At least we knew what he was actually thinking.”

Michael O’Leary is expected to keep up his new persona for at least another month, before copping on and returning back to his good old cunting self.

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