Swans More Evil Than You Could Ever Have Imagined
A report issued today by the Department of Agriculture, Food and the Marine claims that a swan’s capacity for pure evil far exceeds the levels once previously accepted.
A spokesperson for the Dept. has pleaded with the public to remain vigilant at all times even in locations one would not normally associate with swans like the bath or an elevator.
For years your relatives spoke of the evils of swans, but their warnings went unheeded. Your grandmother told you of a swan’s horrifying power; stating that ‘it could break your arm’.
While the Dept. for Agriculture, Food and the Marine admit they too had ignored the looming threat of evil swans it has, however, made some startling discoveries in its new report. The report, numbering 600 pages, makes note of the fact that you never see a swan smiling or knitting a jumper which increases the likelihood that it has only destruction on its mind.
Richard Saracen a Professor in Anserinae studies, is quoted extensively in the report. Professor Saracen clears up the misconception that a swan’s homicidal desires are a myth:
“People often dismiss the assertion that a swan can break your arm with the statement ‘but I’ve never met someone who has been a victim of a swan attack’, this is incorrect you most certainly have encountered such an individual.” shared the Professor.
A swan is capable of destroying someone’s very soul with a precise and aggressive attack that will render a victim in a permanent state of shock, unable to recall the event ever happening.”
Professor Saracen’s testimony took on even more relevance following the news that a Roscommon man in his 30s had been kidnapped by two swans last night and forced to make ice sculptors of his captors.
The Government report concluded with advice on how best to avoid contact with swans:
1. Never leave your home. Ever.
2. Do not talk to ducks, they are the swans’ underlings.
3. Stay away from water (Yes that means taps, showers and baths etc).
4. Wear Glow by J.Lo perfume, swans hate that stuff.
5. Only go to public parks where Swans congregate between 4pm and 6pm on Tuesdays (that’s when swans play bingo).
6. Ryan Gosling.