EACH WEEK WWN’s new site, Game of ThroWWNes, will have over 470 hours worth of videos, quizzes, podcasts, make up tutorials, recipes and articles each day, because if the world’s biggest TV show needs one thing it’s dedicated content and episode recaps from an online Irish publication.
This week’s Game of Thrones episode is dedicated to almost every major character delivering a ‘I’m only one day from retirement speech, I can’t wait to begin the rest of my life’ which almost certainly means they’re going to be brutally killed off next week.
As Winterfell prepares for the fight against the dead it begins to resemble a crowded house party no one wants to leave because the weather outside is so shit and there’s no taxis to be had.
The episode’s opening sees Jamie Lannister plead his case like the one friend who shat himself on the couch the last time you had a house party and is now promising to never to do it again, and just like you, Jon, Dany and Sansa actually believe him.
There’s much talk of how every woman and child will be safe down in the crypts. The same crypts where dead bodies reside and definitely couldn’t be reanimated by the White Walkers. The subsequent inquiry into who made this idiotic decision will find that the tender was awarded to the same crowd who costed the National Children’s Hospital and rolled out the National Broadband Plan.
There’s time for two passive aggressive huns who have no time for each other to find a quiet corner and out-compliment one another, in between Sansa and Dany saying ‘I couldn’t get away with wearing black like you’ and ‘oh my God, I love your braids maybe you could do my hair like that’ there’s also a chance for the two of them to sternly scream ‘the neeeeeeeeck of you’ before someone breaks it all up.
Tyrion, Jamie, Brienne, Tormund, Davos and Pod have what looks like one of the worst lock-ins of all time until Pod breaks out a tune. Brienne suffers the fate of all women who end being the only girl at an all male session – she’s ignored at first, then fought over by a few of the lads before they get properly pissed and finally realise she’s ‘just like one of the lads’, and then knight her.
Tormund explains how he got the name Giantsbane leaving the producers of Game of Thrones porn parody videos on Pornhub wondering how in the name of God they’re going to film a ginger lad suckling at the breast of a giant.
Bran Stark continues to insist ‘that’s not my name anymore’ just like you did when you tried to reinvent yourself at Irish college; confirming, with a straight face, that ‘everyone back home calls me Fitzers’.
Jon Snow spends all episode avoiding his aunt because he’s been riding his aunt, but is eventually cornered by Dany. However, she takes the news that he is the rightful heir to the throne about as well as someone who’s just been told some cunt at this house party is after nicking her 6 cans of Bulmers.
The episode closes out with Florence of the house And The Machines singing Pod’s lock-in tune, allowing die hard fans the chance to bore the absolute arse off you with the story of Jennie, the woman at the centre of the song.
“I’m not the red woman, take your own bloody pants off” – Arya Stark, confirming red-haired women aren’t as desired as women with brown hair.
“I’m telling you my hopes and dreams for the future so that when a spear is plunged into my heart next week, viewers will be extra sad” – Greyworm, Davos, Tormund and 12 others characters.
Next week: utter fucking carnage.