Local Man Likes To Rob Pints

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“I’ve turned it into a bit of an art form, even if I do say so myself,” began Waterford man Matthew Lawrence, tucking into his fourth free pint of the evening. “Guinness, Carlsberg, Fat Frogs, I’m not that fussy – it’s all game, kid”.

Mr. Lawrence, a full-time son of two, is one of thousands of self-confessed “pint robbers” that frequent bars, hotels and popular nightclubs up-and-down this unsuspecting country.

“Once you rob one, you can’t stop,” Lawrence told this reporter, now eyeing up a three quarter pint of Coors Light whose owner was engaged in sports activities on the widescreen television of the busy Dublin centre bar.

“See that now,” he nodded at the stranger’s pint, checking around for witnesses, “he has no idea his friend just bought that for him, so you know what that means: he won’t miss it when it’s gone”.

The crime of pint robbing, which is illegal in Ireland and carries a mandatory 5 year sentence, is described as one of Nation’s “biggest taboos”, due to its culturally delicate and sacrilegious nature.

“For an Irishman, having a pint stolen from them is probably… sorry, the most traumatic experience of their life,” explained clinical pint robbing psychologist and expert on the matter, Prof. David Kinsella, who once had a pint of Smithwicks with a Guinness head robbed from him at a Christmas party in 2009, “by some gurrier”.

It is not yet known why people like Matthew rob other people’s drinks, but experts speculate it could just be down to being thoroughly evil and lacking any human compassion or understanding.

“They’re just sick fucks that need to be put down,” Prof. Kinsella concluded.

If this article affected you in any way, or if you have gone or going through Post Traumatic Robbed Pint Syndrome, please contact the national Post Pint Robbing Helpline on 1850 000 5256.

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