5 Signs You’re Playing Too Much Red Dead Redemption 2

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ROCKSTAR Games’ Red Dead Redemption 2 is still wowing players the world over, weeks after its record-breaking release. The stunning open-world western has garnered rave reviews from critics, rattled registers the world over and has soaked up hundreds of hours from wannabe cowboys as they live out their six-shootin’ fantasies on their home consoles.

If you’re a obsessive fan of RDR2, you may not have noticed some mannerisms and habits from the game leaking out into your everyday life, but we’re sure your friends and co-workers will have! Here’s 5 telltale signs that you may need to put the controller down.

1) You talk with a cowboy twang

If you find yourself starting sentences with ‘Well, now look here, see…’ or notice that you’re addressing women as ‘Ma’am’, then it’s a sure sign that the characters and script of RDR2 has leaked into your subconsciousness. You’d best try shake that off, partner… see? We’re doing it too.

2) When you’re bored you just ride a horse up to a cliff and fuck yourself off

As with all open-world sandbox games, RDR2 lets you do whatever the hell you want. But sometimes the sheer scale of shit to do is overwhelming, so you just mess around and walk in front of trains or leap to your death into a gorge or whatever. So if you find yourself absentmindedly riding a horse (that you don’t even know where you got) out to Howth Head, maybe take a minute before galloping over the edge.

3) All your teeth fall out

Life was tough in the west, and the virtual west isn’t much easier – except it’s a computer game and not real. Just remember that your character in the game may not need to brush his teeth, but you do. Also, stop chewing tobacco; that’s not even proper chewing tobacco you’re putting in your mouth. You’re just shovelling smushed up Pal Mall’s into your cheek. Give it up, there’s spit all over the living room floor.

4) Your prostitution expenses level out, then recede

Before you started playing RDR2, you were visiting prostitutes all the time. Now that you’re a computer cowboy, you can visit in-game prostitutes and save yourself loads of real-world money. Plus, you’re playing the game so much, you don’t even have time to visit a prostitute, even if you wanted to. Which is a good thing. Sex trafficking is a cancer on society. You’re literally funding human misery.

5) You spend the next ten years living in the fear that your past is going to catch up on you, never knowing a good night’s sleep, never knowing a day of rest, never feeling like you’re anything less that a hunted dog, a marked man, and for what…. a few lousy dollars?

Next time you go to the kitchen to get a can of Red Bull, it could be your last… partner.

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