Cat Alan, a self-confessed leader of a Waterford household, has today confirmed his independence from his adopted human family, Jerry and Mary Spain, stating that he is free to roam around the back of other houses in the neighbourhood without reprieve and will no longer allow his owners govern his actions.
Speaking from the top of the sitting room sofa, where he’s usually not allowed to be, cat Alan slammed the Spain family for their ongoing rules and regulations, insisting that he should be allowed shit on the kitchen floor if he wants to, calling for complete independence.
“Just because they feed me and supply me with all the things I need, it doesn’t mean they can tell me what to do,” Alan purred, now stretching his claws into Mary Spain’s favourite seat doily, tearing out its carefully woven threads, “all I get from them is ‘don’t lick the butter this’, ‘stop spraying the child’s cot that’, who the hell do these people think they are?”
Cat Alan arrived at the Spain household over three years ago after being born with a litter of like-minded kittens, who are also now seeking independence in a bid to follow suit with their brother.
“My brother Scotland tried last year to do the same thing, but he got spayed,” Alan explained, squeezing out a fat stool of excrement onto the carpet, “he was always a soft touch, though.
“It also looks like my other brother’s Basque and Flanders have been sent to the pound for attacking their owners; it’s a constant battle”.
Cat Alan is expected to make a full break from the Spain family on Friday, before returning with a dead bird next week.