A CALAMITOUS afternoon at the Conservative Party Conference was made all the worse when its leader, Theresa May, took to the podium to show why she is still the right person to lead Britain.
After Russian spies sabotaged her throat, completely drying it up and forcing her into a coughing fit which made for excruciating viewing, it was left to horrible EU laws governing signage to add insult to injury as the letter ‘F’ in the slogan A Country That Works For Everyone fell to the floor.
It was a speech so disastrous it became the first thing ISIS has refused to claim responsibility for since its foundation, and yet, WWN is here to imagine a fantasy world in which the speech could have gone even worse:
1) She shits herself
While May certainly did this in the figurative sense, imagine if you will the loud and unmistakable sound of May literally evacuating her bowels being picked up by the microphones. On the plus side, it may have covered up the sounds of the British PM wheezing up her lungs.
2) The DUP turned up to execute some members of the LGBTQ community
The DUP turning up at all is a visitation of the most extreme case of chronic embarrassment, however, imagine if as Theresa May repeated ‘Brexit means Brexit’ 4,000 times, the Conservative’s confidence and supply partners were let loose to deliver a 9-hour speech on flags before casually executing some homosexuals.
Matters could have been made worse if Tory leader hopeful Jacob Rees Mogg was then allowed to dissect the victims’ brains in a bid to see where God had made a mistake.
3) Ghost of Thatcher appears, begins heckling May
While it was unlikely to happen as Thatcher has a continued commitment when it comes to appearing in the nightmares of working class pensioners, just imagine if it did? In between feasting on the carcass of a poor child, Thatcher could have found time to mock May for not having already revoked the Human Rights Charter and not having in place yet more tax loopholes for the rich to make use of.
4) The oppressive Saudi regime enters the conference hall looking for its money back on its recent arms deal
Unhappy with its return on its £283 million weapons investment, the Saudi government descends on the stage, saying it wants more value for money while using British made weapons to carry out war crimes in Yemen.
5) If May was allowed open her mouth and continue to speak without interruption
May will have had nightmares last night contemplating the speech, with the horrifying thought of being allowed to speak freely at the forefront of any fever dream.
The PM was saved from having to explain how clueless she is thanks to several interruptions during her speech. A terrifying prospect to contemplate, who knows how embarrassing the afternoon could have been if May was just free to deliver her speech in its entirety. Oh, and you couldn’t have ruled out Boris Johnson turning up in a Nazi Uniform as part of ‘a spiffing good lark’.