May’s Genius: UK Wins Brexit After Exiting Fisheries Deal

IN A STUNNING turn of events Brexit negotiations have ended suddenly with victory declared for Britain after Theresa May’s minority government triggered the process to leave the London Fisheries Convention, which Britain has been part of since the convention’s inception in 1964.

Exiting the deal will cut off British waters to European fishermen and has been heralded as the sort of masterstroke PM May has become synonymous with in recent weeks and months, making continued economic uncertainty all worthwhile.

“We have all the fishies,” May declared, while batting away fawning Tory aides who showered her with praise, “British fish are the best,” May added before reluctantly tucking into a fish finger sourced from Norway in a bid to appear human.

EU leaders were said to have been shocked and angered by May’s aggressive masterstroke, but conceded she was operating on a level of genius they couldn’t compete with.

“Wow, UK waters generate €890 million worth of fish every year and they banned vessels which account for €20 million of that, I guess tanking the economy and setting Britain back years was worth it really, suppose that’s the end of food banks,” confirmed German Chancellor Angela Merkel in a tone which suggested she might not be genuine in her sentiments.

“All we’re left with is all the multi-billion euro multinationals fleeing London for Europe,” added Merkel, who was quite possibly being rather sarcastic at this point.

Elsewhere, the Irish government denied holding an emergency ‘panic screaming session’ after learning of the news.