WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Your bills aren’t “stacking up”, you have them all arranged in a very tidy fashion.  

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You go on holidays without posting a picture of a pint from the airport! Shite!

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You spend a day dividing Cheerios up into 5 different bowls.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You make plans to have your First Communion again.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

You get arrested as part of an ongoing investigation into total ledgebags.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

Everything you own has ‘a knack to it’.

libra

September 23 – October 22

It’s true what they say; never meet your heroes when they’re doing 80mph in the wrong lane.  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You fail to make the Under-9s hurling team for the 7th year in a row. What do these pricks want?

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You sign a deal to be on season 2 of Dancing With The Stars. Hey, you’re as much a celebrity as the rest of them.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

YOU RECEIVE TERRIBLE NEWS ABOUT YOUR PARENTS HEALTH. SORRY FOR SHOUTING BUT OUR CAPS KEY IS BROKEN.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Trump grabs you by the glowing orb.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

See a penny, pick it up. All the day, you’ll have a penny. Like, what the fuck are you going to spend it on?

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