WWN’s Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
Your bills aren’t “stacking up”, you have them all arranged in a very tidy fashion.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
You go on holidays without posting a picture of a pint from the airport! Shite!
gemini
May 21 – June 20
You spend a day dividing Cheerios up into 5 different bowls.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
You make plans to have your First Communion again.
leo
July 23 – August 22
You get arrested as part of an ongoing investigation into total ledgebags.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
Everything you own has ‘a knack to it’.
libra
September 23 – October 22
It’s true what they say; never meet your heroes when they’re doing 80mph in the wrong lane.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You fail to make the Under-9s hurling team for the 7th year in a row. What do these pricks want?
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You sign a deal to be on season 2 of Dancing With The Stars. Hey, you’re as much a celebrity as the rest of them.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
YOU RECEIVE TERRIBLE NEWS ABOUT YOUR PARENTS HEALTH. SORRY FOR SHOUTING BUT OUR CAPS KEY IS BROKEN.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Trump grabs you by the glowing orb.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
See a penny, pick it up. All the day, you’ll have a penny. Like, what the fuck are you going to spend it on?