Michaella McCollum To Be A TV Star Whether You Fucking Like It Or Not

CONTROVERSIAL public figure and failed drug mule Michaella McCollum is set to pursue a career as a reality TV star, with experts confirming that there’s nothing that anyone can do to stop this from happening.

McCollum, who couldn’t succeed as a drug smuggler, is set to make a name for herself on Celebrity Big Brother, I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Celebrity Lambing, Celebrity Delousing, or any TV show with ‘celebrity’ in the title over the next TV season.

Despite adding nothing to the world, McCollum has been deemed just the right mix of ‘attractive’, ‘young’, ‘arrogant’ and ‘talentless’ to succeed as a reality TV star, with the media across Ireland and the UK only happy to play ball.

“Michaella equals money,” beamed a media expert, working out how to stick McCollum into every newspaper and magazine.

“You don’t have to be ‘good’ at anything to be a star these days; you just have to stir up the right emotion in people so they tune in or buy a newspaper or click a weblink… that’s where the cash is. I wish there were 20 more like her; in fact, if any young girls would like a career as a media icon, maybe give smuggling cocaine a go? You’ll get a few years in prison, but a lifetime of being famous!”

Members of the public wishing to complain about the rise of Michaella McCollum from drug mule to media darling are welcome to do so, for all the good it will do.